Baa and Lu's Excellent Fanfic
by Project 0506
Summary: Junk I found on my computer today.  DO NOT READ!  Your IQ will plummet to the negatives.  Seriously.  It's all Crack in here. And Mary-Sues.  Run.


Disclaimer: I do own Baa... at least some hidden part of my subconscious does. Halogen11 owns Lu. Kishimoto-sensei owns the rest but if he put Deidara up for bid then that would change, wouldn't it? Sigh, alas, tis but a dream. A sexy blond dream, but a dream nonetheless.

xxxxxxx

Baa and Lu's EXCELLENT Fanfic.

or

How to write an EXCELLENT Fanfic, Step by step instructions for the Fangirl in YOU!

Step 1: The Inspiration

Baa has a habit of falling down stairs, a skill she was very carefully demonstrating to a disinterested crowd of angst-ridden teenagers.

"Baa?" The next character in this sordidly delightful tale, Lulu, called down the stairs. "You alive?" And from the ground arose such a clatter, Lu flew to the railing to see what was the matter (1). "Hey, Baa?" She rushed down the stairs to where Baa was reclining on the floor.

A deep and fairly chilling laugh spiraled out of the less-than-graceful older girl. "I GOT IT! This time I really got it!" She looked up with a devious glint in her eye. "I finally got inspiration!"

Lu knew she should have run. Later she would come to regret indulging her friend instead of finishing off what the stairs had started. But at that moment in time, Lu was blissfully oblivious to the perils that awaited. "What is it now Baa?"

The crowd parted automatically to let the girl sail through. "It's brilliant! Completely and totally brilliant!" Ignoring Lu's desperate attempts to keep up with her, Baa fairly ran to the nearest computer lab. "Why didn't I think of this before?"

"Why didn't you think of _what_ before?"

"The greatest story of all time, that's what!" Baa strode up behind the guy about to sit in front of the only available computer and kicked in his knee. "Move it buddy! It's an emergency!"

"H-Hey wait! You can't just-"

"Chill Lu, he's unconscious. Besides, he didn't see who did it."

"That's not the point!"

"Look, do you wanna read the greatest fanfic of all time or not?"

Lu did what was proven to be the easier way to live life. She obliged Baa. "Okay, okay fine. What's the greatest fanfic of all time?"

A cat-that-ate-the-canary smile grew on the girl's face. "I would so totally fall down the stairs at school."

A moment's pause and a blank look later, Lu ventured "And?"

"And Deidara would so totally catch me with his awesome ninja skillz!(2)"

There was another moment's pause as the universe contemplated ending itself.

"So... you would fall at school?"

"Right."

"And Deidara would catch you?"

"Precisely."

The amazingly patient Lu decided to forgo all the more obvious questions and go right to "What would an S class missing nin be doing at your school?"

"I'd have to make him a student there of course. Oh, and all the other Naruto people too. It'll be amazing! We always do really funny things too, so it's gonna be great."

"Just to clarify..." It must be awfully boring being the voice of reason. "You believe that not only will the characters from Naruto fit in our everyday lives, but also anyone would actually want to read it? Why would they care?"

Baa shot her friend a droll look. "It's pretty obvious Lu."

_'It's not obvious!'_ Lu yelled mentally.

Fingers flew over the keyboard with amazing ninja-like speed. "Um Baa?"

"Hey Lu, you wanna date Itachi?"

Baa was devious. Baa knew exactly where to hit. Lu pulled up a chair.

"And Sasuke."

"You're dating them both?"

"It's a love triangle."

"Got it. Now, about that Sakura creature..."

(1) Lu's writing tip: always reference classic literature. It makes you seem intelligent.

(2) Baa's writing tip: always use Z when something is cool. Otherwise it's just dorky. And ninja skillz are never dorky.

It was another day: another monochrome (3) day filled with quizzes and teachers and all manner of legalized torture. Itachi heaved an extremely angsty and therefore sexy sigh. Languidly (3.1) he rearranged his long legs so they draped along the stairs.

"Bored?" Kisame grinned at him from his seat two steps up.

Itachi spared a glance at his blue friend, quite used to the abnormal features. It was his doing after-all. In fifth grade for April Fool's day he had replaced Kisame's blueberry-mist body wash with dilute blue clothes dye. Kisame liked the look and dyed himself every other Saturday since. It wasn't until the beginning of twelfth grade that he went out and got matching gills tattooed on his face. Itachi thought he looked ridiculous. Then again...

His gaze flitted up to the railing where Sasori was perched, dexterously manipulating a tiny screwdriver in his left hand (4). In his right was clutched a doll. '_No,'_ Itachi corrected quickly. _ 'A puppet_.' That thing could take down a squirrel from fifty paces and a pit-bull at point-blank range. It looked like the red-headed techno-wizard was installing a rocket launcher in it's chest.

Across from him, Zetsu flipped idly through a smuggled XXX magazine. He was half Caucasian, half African American, and there was never any room to wonder which half was which. His split personalities made sure of that. At this particular moment he had a line drawn down the center of his face with a Sharpie, and the right half was twisted in a grimace of disgust while the left winged upward in a leer.

Then again the whole gang was ridiculous. At least Kisame didn't have serious psychological issues.

"I heard the eleventh graders are planning something behind the gym. It'd be a work-out if nothing else." Kisame mumbled half-heartedly.

"No way." Kakuzu declared from the bottom step. "You have any idea how hard it is to get blood out of this shirt? Besides, bribing you out of detention is getting expensive. Save the butchering for _after_ school."

Itachi waited, but heard no suggestion involving a lighter and the gas tank from Principal Sandaime's car. "Where's Deidara?"

"Tobi got his foot stuck in the toilet," Sasori supplied.

For a full minute, the Akatsuki gang members of Konoha high contemplated their newest member. "Why haven't we killed him yet?"

"_Because_," Kisame hissed at Sasori, "he's Zetsu's pet." He glanced quickly at the aforementioned boy but there was no evidence of murderous intent.

Silence reigned over the bored students. In the hall below they could hear Hidan diligently recruiting converts to the religion he created in study hall. "It's the emo-est religion ever; I mean, cutting is part of prayers! Wait where'ya think you're going? Take a damn pamphlet! F$CKER! DIE!" There was a brief scuffle and a sharply cut-off scream. "We didn't want pansy-ass f$ckers like you anyway. Hey, you there. Yes you a$$-hole. Ya heard the news about Jashin?"

"Could you move?" Five heads turned towards the new voice and beheld a girl.

Normal people knew and avoided the Akatsuki stairs. It was suicide on a good day. Oh, there was the occasional little lost lamb that managed to wander into their territory, but common sense and self preservation usually had them back-tracking fairly quickly. This girl, her arms full of books and her face dead-set on taking these stairs, glared down at them. Her hair glistened in the sterile school lights and shimmered in a way that made it hard to tell if it was silver, violet, azure, malachite, crimson or ebony.

"You're kind of in the way. At least have the decency to sit to one side.(5)" It was more shock than compliance that cause Kisame to shift out of her way when she nudged him with the toe of her dainty tennis shoe. "Thanks." She descended majestically amid bewildered silence.

If it had been any other day, it wouldn't have happened. But today... today Itachi was irritated at that twit Tobi, pissed at his math teacher (he took off a whole 0.2 percent for a missing DECIMAL POINT! Itachi DESERVED that 100, dammit), and on top of it all, bored stiff. Plus this girl had an aura that made people behave uncharacteristically. So, with only a slight mental twitch at his actions, Itachi gracefully extended a single, perfectly sculpted leg and hooked his ankle around hers.

The books scattered every which way and she tumbled forward, a satisfying look of panic on her face.

xx

"You're an idiot yeah!" Deidara screamed. He knew, he just _knew_ that idiot was still grinning behind the jack-o-lantern mask he had picked up at an after-Halloween close-out sale. "How the HELL do you get your foot stuck in a urinal yeah?"

"Well, you see-"

"Forget it! I don't want to know, yeah."

"Senpai! Look out!"

Deidara followed the angle of Tobi's pointing finger and his eyes fastened on an angel.

Things seemed to happen in slow motion. Her silver, yes silver, hair billowed out behind her, her arms extended towards him. He only vaguely registered Tobi yelling something. '_Stupid Tobi, yeah. Now is not the time for earthly things._' Her crimson lips parted in a surprised O and immediately Deidara knew he was meant to save her. Instinctively he moved, his own arms reaching up to her. She landed gently in his arms, her deep purple eyes stole his breath away. _'She's almost perfect, yeah.'_

"Nice catch senpai!" Tobi chirped right next to his ear. "Senpai is so cool! Saving Klutzy Girl, just what you expect!"

Deidara sighed in frustration as she jerked out of his arms, her eyes snapping in anger.

"Who the hell's Klutzy Girl!" She whirled on the masked boy, and the blond artist found himself holding his breath. "Super Secret Kagegami Family Technique: Waltz Of The Nutcracker!1!(6)(7)(8)"

Tobi crumbled, clutching his privates. She flounced off, abandoning her books in her righteous fury.

Deidara prodded her victim with his foot, grinning and the wail of pain that was his answer. _'Correction: She's completely perfect, yeah.' _"Hey you guys." He watched the spot where she disappeared around a corner, a loopy smile on his face. "I think I'm in love..."

(3) Lu's writing tip: always use unusual words. Thesauruses are your friends.

(3.1) Lu's writing tip: if you can pull off more than one in succession, even better!

(4) Baa's writing tip: always make people interesting, lie if you have to. Leftie artists are smexy!

(5) Baa's writing tip: bad-ass guys do not like the normal girl. Don't let shoujo manga fool you. It's the ones with a death wish or a drop-kick to back up a smart mouth, THOSE are the ones the bishie will fall for. Oh, and she has to be gorgeous and have a mysterious past.

(6)Baa's writing tip: always invent a super awesome family/school fighting style. Make it up if you have to. Ninjaness For Teh WIN!.

(7) Lu's writing tip: add a bit of culture to your fanfic. Operas, ballets and classic theater add classiness

(8) Baa's writing tip: multiple exclamation points are a must. It's the only way to convey true badassity. The number 1 in the middle adds extra oomph.

"Ya know," Lu said slowly, prodding the computer screen. "I was promised some sexy Uchiha. I don't see myself with any sexy Uchiha. Have I been scammed? I don't take well to being scammed."

"Relax Lu! You're coming up next chapter! And you slap Itachi with a Terry Pratchett book."

The lone eyebrow of disbelief ascended. "It had better be 'The Fifth Elephant'."

"No problem!"


End file.
